One Year Later

I have been thinking about writing a post for a while. I wanted to reflect on the last year. How does time fly by so quickly? In the days following our loss of Lincoln, I thought about getting to this point and I couldn’t even begin to imagine it. My grief was all encompassing and suffocating. I was drowning in the need to hold my son, to see his face, to hear him cry. How was I ever going to live without him? But I have. I have dealt with a range of feelings; anguish, helplessness, despair, anger, disorientation. My anxiety almost overtook me for a long period of time. My own mortality slapped me in the face and I feared death at every corner. And not just mine but Kyle’s, my mom’s, anyone close to me. I dreaded going back to work but found that it helped me start to put one foot in front of the other. I became like a puzzle to solve. I worked to put the pieces of me back together and slowly my life as a bereaved mother started to take shape. I have found ways to cope with the depths of my feelings and started to be ok with the new me. I attend a local infant loss group, where I am with other bereaved parents and found a couple of online groups that have helped me to connect with others like me. The shittiness/amazing part of all this is that I am not alone. I am even part of a Facebook group to help with my health journey. We are all loss moms trying to get back to our pre-loss bodies. I have learned to laugh again and find joy in life. I still struggle a little with my faith, but I can pray now and seek out His strength. I just do it on my terms. I don’t have to be in church to feel Him. I am also a crusader for my son. I will never have funny stories to share about parenting Lincoln, instead I am his voice. I want him to be remembered and to be included in things we do. I beg for people to say his name, send me cards on his birthday, include him in holidays and celebrations. The more I hear his name, the more I feel him in my heart. So I guess through all of this, I have reached a good point. I am doing more than ok. I still have times of grief. I always will. I know my journey is not over; but I have reached a good resting place along the way. I am looking forward to the future now and am hopeful for what it has to bring.

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