Some advice

I have had many people tell me, that they were unsure of how to approach me or to know the right thing to say. I have found myself in the same boat many times before in my life. You can’t begin to imagine how the other person is feeling or handling what they are going through. What is the right thing to say, to help ease their pain? And those of us who are nurturers want something to do. We want to be able to make it better. I have learned a lot from my own experience and I want to share some suggestions for the next time you find yourself faced with the grief of a loved one. Firstly, there is no right thing to say. Sure there are a few things to avoid. Try to stay away from the typical things we use to assuage our own hurt. Including: God must have needed another angel; At least they aren’t suffering; Everything happens for a reason. These come across empty and cliche. Instead say what is on your heart. Tell them you are hurting too. Share a memory. Speak the name of the departed. Most importantly, don’t avoid that person for fear of saying the wrong thing. It is ok to pick up the phone and call. If they aren’t up to talking, they won’t answer. Also, don’t worry about bringing up the loss. It is always on their mind, believe me. Sometimes a good cry is therapeutic and helps release some of that pent up grief. Secondly, for those who want to do something, I think it is better to have a concrete idea to help. Bring food (that is easily frozen), offer to clean the house, mow the yard. It is difficult to come up with ideas for people to help when you are so lost. And remember that grief is that never ending river and sometimes a call or to help is welcome even months later. It is hard to be forgotten. Thirdly, do research. There are so many websites/Facebook pages/blogs out there dedicated to child and infant loss. Check them out. They have so many things to say and can give insight into this dark world.

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