River of Grief

Lincoln would have been 4 months old yesterday. How did 4 months go by? I have had many people say to me “I don’t know how you are getting through this.” My response to that is, I don’t have any choice. I can’t sit down and let life go by me. Instead I was pushed into this river of grief and I ride the current every day. I think that some people feel that I should have started to move on by now. But I will never move on. A river has no real end. And some days the waves and current are stronger than I can handle. But I ride them as best as I can. I go to sleep and dream of my child and I wake up and think about him every day. I don’t live in the moments when we lost him but they are still clear as day to me. I remember when the doctor told me he was sorry, that my son was gone. I remember Kyle holding me as I cried the first time. I remember the bed I laid in as I labored. I remember the darkened room, with classical music playing in the background, while I pushed my lifeless child into the world. I remember our parents coming in the room to meet him and say goodbye at the same time. I remember kissing his cold, soft cheek as I said goodbye. I remember the next morning I did not cry when we left the hospital but as soon as I walked into my house, I just held my mom and let loose for the first of many times in the next days. These memories will never go away. I hold them to me, as they are the only memories I got to have with my oldest child. As I mentioned last week, I will never get to have all those firsts in his life. His first smile, first laugh, first words, first steps, first day of school, first date. Instead I have lasts. The last moment I saw his face, the last time I kissed him, the last time I held him and handed him to the nurse. I know some days I seem perfectly “normal.” And sometimes I almost feel that way. I am back to enjoying my days at work and Kyle and I are stronger than ever in our relationship. But I will never move on. I will continue to ride the river and move forward.

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