My Faith

This is a difficult post for me to write, as typically I am very private about my faith. But it is one of the most difficult things that I have dealt with in this dark time. We all have arguments with people. And I am sure there are times where you just needed some space and didn’t want to talk to the other person. During this time for me, that is God. I have only said 2 prayers in the time since I lost Lincoln. The first was last Sunday, when we thought my mom was having a heart attack (she is fine now, still not sure what caused her symptoms, more testing to come). The second was following my first counseling session last Thursday. Both were very, very brief. The first thing I usually hear from people is to trust in the Lord, or believe that He has a plan, or whatever platitude they feel will bring me comfort. I graciously accept them and move on. But right now, I don’t like God very much. I am so very angry at Him and I constantly want to scream at Him and ask WHY??? Why did He take my child? And please don’t tell me that He needed another angel. God does not search the earth to take people to heaven. That is the exact opposite of his teachings. I just cannot take comfort in Him right now. I have suffered through many trials in my life. It seems I rarely get things right the first time. Graduating from college, my choice in husband, my career, to name a few. So why hasn’t that been enough? Have I not always been faithful? I suddenly find myself feeling very unworthy. My faith has been shattered by this tragedy. I have been faced with the realization that God does in fact give you more than you can handle. This is the heaviest thing I have ever had to carry and even though some days I just want to put it down, I can’t give it to Him. He has already taken too much. My rational, Christian educated mind says I am crazy, that I need God to find peace. My broken heart disagrees. Some day, after I continue to heal, I hope my faith returns. Also, I do hope that you all continue to pray for me. Pray that I find comfort in God’s love; pray that I will be able to have babies of my own, pray that I accept the plan God has for my life, pray for my husband and our families. For right now, I just can’t.

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