In the three months, that have gone by since Lincoln passed into another world. I have been plagued by two words, about things I could have done differently and about the future.

What if I hadn’t traveled so much during my first trimester?

What if I hadn’t been sick and taken medicine in October?

What if there were signs that I missed, like decreased movement?

What if I had gained more weight, might the placenta have gotten bigger?

What if I drank more water?

What if my mom hadn’t been at my house that weekend?

What if I called the doctor the week before when I was having a small amount of discharge (that I thought was my mucus plug)?

What if I had called the doctor when I had my fender bender in the post office parking lot?

What if I only have girls and Lincoln is my only boy?

What if this happens again?

What if I lose another baby to miscarriage?

What if I can never carry a baby to full term?

What if we have to try to go through the process of adoption?

What if I never get to be a mom to a baby that I carried and felt grow?

What if, what if, what if….