Betrayal

I have been fighting my body for close to 15 years. But what woman hasn’t been. We all see areas we want to improve, our round middle, thick thighs, arms that jiggle when we wave. I feel as though it is almost in our DNA because even when I look at a woman and think […]

I have been fighting my body for close to 15 years. But what woman hasn’t been. We all see areas we want to improve, our round middle, thick thighs, arms that jiggle when we wave. I feel as though it is almost in our DNA because even when I look at a woman and think wow, I want to be like her, she thinks she needs to go on a diet or do more push-ups. I had dreams last year of taking off more weight, before we decided to get pregnant. I didn’t want to add more weight to my already heavy frame. However, I let the same old excuses get in my way. And then I blinked and I was carrying my first child. It all felt surreal. During the first trimester, I didn’t gain any weight. Food was not appealing. I never threw up and was only nauseous on the rare occasion I smelled something rotten. As my belly started to get a little bit bigger, I wanted nothing more for it to round out and look pregnant, not like I had just gained more weight. Then somewhere around 27 weeks, I took a belly pic and went whoa! Suddenly, for the first time in a long time, I liked looking in the mirror. I felt beautiful as I was growing this little life inside of me. Then 10 weeks later, that all changed. Within a week of coming home from the hospital, I was back below my pre-pregnancy weight. I only gained 20 pounds and most of it was baby. But I couldn’t look at myself. I have stretch marks now and my belly is a little rounder than before. Those don’t really bother me all that much. Instead, when I look at my body, I feel betrayed. My body didn’t do what it was supposed to do. During my time with Lincoln, I was a believer in the thought that my body was designed to carry a baby. I was good at being pregnant. Then I wasn’t. We received the results of Lincoln’s autopsy Monday and we have some answers. His placenta was a little on the small side and the umbilical cord was shorter than normal. Additionally, my placenta showed signs of irritation, almost like an immuno response. My body didn’t do what it was supposed to do to support my baby. How could it do this to me? Didn’t my body get the message, that I was born to be a mother? No, it failed. My OB was very encouraging about our chances going forward about being able to conceive and carry to full term. I will be monitored closely and more than likely induced early.  So for now, I am back to doing more push ups in the hopes of being healthier for when it comes time to try again. But there will always be that doubt in my mind. What if it happens again? VZM.IMG_20170127_142020BabyNagelHIRES-6

One thought on “Betrayal

  1. 😢 my heart is still SO broken for you and always will be!! 😢😘I can’t imagine what you have been and are still going through. I just can’t. 😔😭

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